I now have a Tumblr account!

It's official I now have a tumblr and I'm helplessly addicted!

But only in a good way...

Next thing you know I'll have a instagram...

oh the horror 

 xoxo

How do you know?

How do you know when to stop fighting?

Is it when you realize love is not a war?

How do you know when to stop caring?

Is it when the other person doesn't care more?

How do you know enough is enough?

Is it when the tears refuse to stream down your face?

How do you know when to let go?

Is it when he keeps tugging for space?

How do you know when it's time to quit trying?

Is it when you see that it's all in vain? 

How do you know? 

I dont. 

All I know how to do is fight for the ones I care about, all I know how to do is care, and try and never let go.

Much can be said for the absence of sound, the loudness of the silence can be deafening. It forces you to see the formerly unseen...it makes an unknown know, and it thrusts you to a place where

all you thought and swore to be real and true is not.

I just had an argument with someone that was so silent it scared me. The feeling of my mind racing trying to figure out what was so possibly wrong the person could barely look at me, killed me in so many ways. I tried...maybe too hard to find out what was the issue that was so large is filled up our space, the comfort I found in them replaced by uncertainty; as if I stared at a stranger.

So yes, I tried, and failed miserably. There were no shedding of tears nor yelling, the silence of it all shut my yelps and held back the tears. Now I finally realize why. Finding out what is so totally 'wrong' scares the shit out of me. I'm afraid of finding a crack in the foundation of what I claim to be so near and dear to my heart. Something I thought could never be broken or weakened. 

This could be the problem, holding someone so close you forget they are human and they indeed are flawed. I think I can deal with the flawed nature of this person, I just wish they would be willing to share it with me, the way I share my hopes, dreams, and misgivings with them. 

The realization that maybe, just maybe, they don't see me the way I see them...

that is enough to bring me to tears. I'm willing more than anything to set things

right, I just hope the feelings are reciprocated.

So no, I don't know.

I think that's the most frightening part of all.

xoxo 

pfh 

I'm bound to fall for you

Random Fact #1

I always cry while reading a book.

...

Every single book in fact. And I never feel like a sap, getting so sucked in a book that you can't separate your own feelings from those of the characters is what I love most about reading. For however long I'm reading, I'm no longer me but an entire host of characters with intricate interlaced lives being played out on a huge stage.

I love it.

xoxo

Reflections

I read this very true but said quote on another girl's blog and had to re-post it.

"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy.

But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable.

You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real—but you create the context. And the context is everything.

The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

- Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story, Chuck Klosterman

Although I am young and i wouldnt't consider myself to be the most knowledgeable when it comes to love or its main concepts, I find true companionship in this excerpt. 

Mainly because I find myself questioning 'love' and its values and is it really just a word? I go over past relationships sometimes not able to remember all the bad that happened and only remembering the good although i know for a fact that we experienced enough bad times that we no long could be together. 

So now I am in a new relationship and trying to figure out what is love and what is a matter of comfort and convenience is becoming more difficult.

I think overall I just want to be happy, and if one or two small things doesn't meet my ever long list of variables that ALL women create then I can deal with that.

I'm Still Here! *Life Update*

After my last semi-depressed post I am officially back, not so sad and feeling much better.

My life seems to be in a better place, I was finally hired. And not at just any place, I was hired at Torrid a store I have consistently talked about here on my blog as being stylish fun and a great place to find plus size clothing. I have an orientation there this Wednesday and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous a little.

School started but I have yet to go to a single class...I have a horrible digestive condition that makes class practically unbearable and after a truly unsuccessful visit to a nice but ineffective gastrorentologist I am at my wits end and I'll be calling my regular doctor to talk about another alternative. 

And on top of that I have books that are costing a hefty 500usd this semester. The current situation with my parents is that I am made to feel that asking for money is out of the question but this is a dire emergency. I cant possibly go without books, I mean really.

So that is the update for now, I'll be back soon hopefully with FOTDs with my new WnW eyeshadow palettes I purchased last week.

xoxo 

Those words hurt...Now what?

I've been on a very private personal battle with weight and body issues...something that no one close to me knows about. I've decided to talk about these feelings in small bits and pieces so I become more comfortable with it. Here is my blog post from spark people, an awesome site that is more about lifestyle changes than losing weight.

xoxo

Those words hurt...Now what?

Summer Wishlist!

It has been way too long since my last post to my beloved blog! I know I don't have any followers but I somehow still feel obligated to keep it updated for anyone that happens to come across it and find it even mildly interesting! So many computer problems that lead to the death of two of my laptops and the purchase of a new desktop computer is why I am finally back! Damn, I have a good bf...

So onto the good stuff, I am currently in the process of getting a job which has been really hard and so have my finals. It's just a lot but I still find the time to look at clothes online. A girl can dream can't she?

So here is my current summer clothing wishlist:

ASOS CURVE Flared Floral Dress

$73.86

http://tinyurl.com/3tb25qq

ASOS CURVE Multi Smudge Print Bandeau Maxi Dress

$120.02

http://tinyurl.com/4y9vkjz

ASOS CURVE Belted Sixties Skater Dress

$73.86

http://tinyurl.com/3fw3umt

     ASOS CURVE Collar Insert Dress

$64.63

http://tinyurl.com/3vdjvy4

ASOS CURVE Feather Print Tunic

$64.63

http://tinyurl.com/3w6dj2r

ASOS CURVE Spring Floral Tea Dress

$64.63

http://tinyurl.com/3hscvxb

ASOS CURVE Rose Print Playsuit

$73.86

http://tinyurl.com/3nptvpu

ASOS CURVE Watercolour Lily Swing Dress

$64.63

http://tinyurl.com/3exbd7m

                             ASOS CURVE Black and White Print Asymmetric Dress

$73.86

http://tinyurl.com/3cb94t2

White Eyelet Party Dress

$78.00

 http://tinyurl.com/43pnfbl

Lace Print Bodycon Skirt

$11.80                                                                           http://tinyurl.com/6f22kl4

Sheer Button Up Top

$22.80

http://tinyurl.com/6b5yecl

Embellished Lace Front Top

$27.80

http://tinyurl.com/3hjo2qb

As you can see if you have made it this far, I have a severe lust/addiction for ASOS clothing. It all just seems so lavishly lush and well made, which is hard to find in plus sized clothing that isnt just scraps thrown together. If its made better it will certainly look better.

Also I'm obsessed with dresses and feminine qualities, hence the choices above. 

So thats my wishlist/lusted items. 

Lord help me!

xoxo